Bijou’s Odyssey-Not Quite There Yet

April 4, 2007

Warning Label’s for Adoptees

Filed under: Uncategorized — bijousodyssey @ 10:33 pm


Im starting to think that with all this talk of adoptees “wreaking havoc” (see Julie) on other’s lives by the mere fact of existing, perhaps we should all petition our congress people to pass a law requiring us to wear warning labels. Biohazard is definitely fitting for most adoptees since our existence puts a new spin on bio-terror. Comparable to germs, mutant bacteria and super viruses, we are no longer the simple chicken pox you thought would never return, oh no, we apparently have the power to destroy entire families by simply existing.

In fact, I was personally told by someone quite close to me this week, that I would destroy my mother’s life if I were to pursue contact with my aunt or my sister’s. I fell apart after hearing this. (ok, not only a biohazard, but explosively combustible as well). I try to give people the benefit of the doubt: after all the public only gets fed the happy friggin prozac-ed up version of the adoption story, and well my friends, partner, and relatives are not immune to this. Somehow, this must change! I’m fed up with this bullshit thinking, and hopefully I will be able to enlighten someone. Perhaps I’m ranting, but right now I feel like the ‘bad’ guest on a talk show, the one that no one wishes to understand, the one which sits there for all to yell at and undermine- the “how could you???? guest” How could you hurt your amom- she loved you and now you destroy her life? How could you destroy your b-moms life, be grateful she gave you life and move on. Oh your sisters, well just don’t go and destroy their lives either? Again, adoption is convenient, so long as the adoptee just shut’s up and complies. The minute we start to think rationally, to process what has happened to us, to search for our identities, to demand basic right’s which most human beings have, we are no longer those lovable baskets of joy — we are destructive, angry, and wreaking havoc on other’s lives.

That’s right, if I keep playing along diplomatically, everyone will be ok with me! This type of thinking has landed me straight into abusive situations and relationships my entire life. I suck it up, so as to not explode when I speak to my sometimes toxic amom. Too afraid to stand up for myself because I don’t want to offend anyone or destroy another relationship, I have stayed way too long with verbally abusive partners, complete losers, and way too long in a job in which I was being used abused and harrassed. I’m happy to say I’m trying to move beyond this. I will not let my feelings be invalidated any longer.

Would you tell a child who is screaming for his mom after hurting himself to shut the hell up? Probably not. That would be considered abuse. Please stop telling us adoptees to shut up, inside we are still just children screaming for our moms. We do not seek to disrupt or destroy anyone’s lives.



  1. Excellent.

    I made a picture for you but don’t know how to get it here!

    Comment by Julie — April 5, 2007 @ 3:49 am

  2. Dear Biohazard,
    You are so right in all that you say, just keep saying it. It is as we know a basic human right to know your heritage.
    When we began the journey here in Westerna Australia back in the 1980’s for adult adoptee’s to know their natural parents, it was very difficult, but we got there and you will too. We kept shouting from the rooftops.I have now been reunited with my first born child (daughter) for 19 years. We have had opposition from every side to keep our relationship going, and finally I can say everyone has learnt to butt out they won’t destroy it the 2nd time round. I believe Every natural mother deep down
    wants her child to come home. Easter Blessings to you and a huge hug with all my heart. Marilyn x x xx x

    Comment by Marilyn Murphy — April 5, 2007 @ 1:35 pm

  3. And thats what its all about, everyone just wishes we would just go away, we are an inconvienience, an annoyance. My bmother gave me up, I was never good enough for my amother. Now, while I have a good relationship with my bmom, she still looks at it as I am an adult now, I should be able to take care of myself, how dare I expect her to take any responsibility for making the person that is me?
    What is it about adoptees? Why are we always the ones to get shoved aside? We are never good enough for the afamily, and the bfamily looks at us like we are not quite theres either. When in all reality, you sooo hit it on the head, we are just children screaming for our mothers! In some cases we have two and neither one are answering!!!!
    It like will SOMEBODY please acknowledge me???!!! Thank you, for putting all that into words!

    Comment by Jessie — April 5, 2007 @ 5:04 pm

  4. the warning labels should go on those that believe adoption is a good thing. they are the ones doing the damage. the agencies, the industry and the parents who discard their pregnant daughters.

    Comment by suz — April 5, 2007 @ 5:16 pm

  5. and to jessie, i never wanted my daughter to go away, I dont find her an annoyance, i have always claimed her and i will fight tooth and nail anyone who trys to deny her a gosh darned thing. my daughter is definitely mine.

    i understand your point, but just wanted to note, that not all mothers fit the stereotype. some of us do, indeed, get it.

    Comment by suz — April 5, 2007 @ 5:17 pm

  6. How insanely ridiculous.

    They never thought how it would fuck up our lives being separated from our children, now they want to tell us that our children would fuck up our lives by coming back?

    Just go and make contact with your family members, nobody has the right to stop you doing that. How utterly insane.

    Comment by — April 5, 2007 @ 11:07 pm

  7. Arrgh. I’d like to have a few words with the moron who said that crap to you!

    Really, I’m spitting nails here. Good grief.

    Comment by Elizabeth — April 6, 2007 @ 9:42 pm

  8. What a kick-arse post Bijou.
    LOVE your work!!
    And I want a t-shirt with bio-hazard on it.
    Poss. xxxxx

    Comment by Possum — April 8, 2007 @ 2:28 am

  9. I hope you are thinking of yourself now, because you are the only one who can make your life and relationships better. Keep pursuing your family, no matter who tells you not to. I have many times kept myself from exploding to my amom and still do. And if I do explode, it doesn’t do any good. That last post I did on my adoption, when I about accused my amom of being a kidnapper, resulted in nothing. A non-response! She called me a week later to see if she could come and visit again. NO! not for a while, but of course I didn’t say why, because I am angry, no I said I have to work.
    Keep your courage up, I know I could use some.

    Comment by greenmountaincountrymama — April 9, 2007 @ 11:41 pm

  10. Ahhh Great post, follow your heart and dont listen to the people drinking the koolaid, they dont know.

    Comment by momseekingpeace — April 10, 2007 @ 5:07 am

  11. They are misinformed, feel sorry for them. Then tell them to bite you.;o)

    Comment by Mia — April 11, 2007 @ 3:12 pm

  12. “Would you tell a child who is screaming for his mom after hurting himself to shut the hell up? ”

    No… but I’ve seen others who have.

    How preposterous.

    Comment by Theresa — April 11, 2007 @ 8:13 pm

  13. Bijou…You nailed it. Adoptees are always being given (unsolicited) advice of such a nature. Basically, stay away. Stay where you are in the place you’ve been “put.” Or you will ruin everything. It’s really an awful message to internalize. I never thought of it that way before. Also, wonder if the toxic relationship with your mom…which you probably thought was pretty normal earlier on…is one of the reasons you’ve become involved in other bad relationships? Now that I look back on it, I was basically a doormat/listener/supporter in one big relationship with a very egotistical guy which, basically, mirrored the awful relationship w/my a-parents. I knew of no other way to relate. I do think it’s wonderful that you are now conscious of the things you’d like to change…which will allow you to do so after some natural trial and error.

    Comment by Nina — April 13, 2007 @ 5:13 pm

  14. Love this post.

    I often get that “Shut up and be grateful that someone WANTED you” vibe. As though I was some kind of toxic waste product. Oh! And this! “Why are adoptees so angry? Who do you think you are to rock the boat?”

    I’ll tell ya. We’re the ones who never had a choice and now, dammit, we are going to be heard.

    P.S. I think Jessie and I share the same afamily. Bleh.

    Comment by Andie D. — April 26, 2007 @ 4:20 am

  15. Where did you go? Come back please.

    Comment by Heidi — June 30, 2007 @ 3:14 am

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