Bijou’s Odyssey-Not Quite There Yet

March 18, 2007

In Vino Veritas….

Filed under: Uncategorized — bijousodyssey @ 10:55 pm

Friday evening I enjoyed a great dinner with a friend along with a great bottle of Shiraz. I tend to not imbibe- or at least I generally have a 2 drink max. because unfortunately I’m not a happy drunk. But the wine was quite fine, so I continued. It was on the train ride home that I emotionally (in my head) began to fall apart. I was overcome with this feeling of hopelessness, this what’s the point feeling? I never understood how one could drink to forget, unless of one consumes an entire bottle of something which leads to loss of consciousness. Personally, I have a couple drinks and am flooded with thoughts, the most poignant: how could you have abandoned me mom, I want my mom back, and the most recent addition how could you love my siblings and not me?

Are women aware of the power they have as mothers? Do they realize how important that bond is? If I look at the most screwed up friends of mine- (non-adoptees included)- the core of their problems lie in the fact that they were somehow ‘rejected’ by their mothers. (This does not excuse fathers either- absentee fathers also have screwed up many lives) As a adoptees we begin our lives with this wound, period. If we do not confront us, it will find us, or manifest itself in some form, depression, insecurities, the inability to bring anything to closure, fear of rejection, etc. The mother child bond is so simple, so natural, why do we try to screw it up? Why must we always think of factors which do not matter in the long run- image, age, money etc. to deny babies the basic right to be nurtured by their natural mothers?

I guess I’m just an existential thinker in the land of adoption– the one in which God chose me to be in (according to the U.S. adoption industry). Again the relationship between god and adoption makes no sense to me. Biblical References?? Oh yeah, the Jews were the God’s chosen people and uh as adoptees we are always told we are chosen, there’s the connection. Anyhow, why would God, or gods, or godesses, create a natural order only to choose to have us destroy it? Not so logical. If we justify destroying a simple natural bond, anything is possible. Hell, today everything is for sale: babies, organs. Next trip to China, get a baby and a kidney to boot- so what if it is from a dead political prisoner, just forget where it came from, use it as your own, save it from a life of living inside some political prisoner, you deserve it, God wants you to have it….

My last thought this evening: If we continue to mess with mother nature, she will kick all of our asses!

Somehow I have not had the energy to be a good little blogger this week and acknowledge comments. Honestly, I feel the energy has just been sucked out of me by the end of the day. Work consumes most of my time- I truly enjoy my work – its also has an emotionally numbing effect- in a good way. I’m trying to fight this consant depression related to my failed adoption reunion whilst balancing work and maintaining a healthy relationship. The emotional depression has started to manifest itself in true physical pain. In my case lower back pain. Sitting for longer periods of time is uncomfortable. I now know I need to find a time slot for yoga and sports, as I cannot put them off any longer. I’ve learned in yoga that this type of emotional stress is held in the lower back and hips, and amazingly I feel them becoming tighter and my back cramping up if I have no means to release the anger and depression.



  1. Are women aware of the power they have as mothers? Do they realize how important that bond is?

    i can only speak for myself. at the time I was 17 and put in a maternity home, i had NO idea. more importantly, I was told there was not bond and I did not matter and my baby was better of with out me. I believed them. It wasnt until years later that I learned and it was a rude awakening.

    I have often said that I had NO idea of the mother child bond because, I, as a child, had none with my own mother. Furthermore, my mother was the motivation behind my losing my daughter. How could I value my own daughter when my own mother did not value me?

    Comment by suz — March 18, 2007 @ 11:12 pm

  2. Suz,
    Thanks for the insight. I think that is the point. If you have the feeling your mother did not value you, its wounding. You feel worthless. If society does not recognize its importance, how could a 17 year old in a stressful pregnancy?

    You DO matter! More than you know.

    Comment by bijousodyssey — March 18, 2007 @ 11:19 pm

  3. I didn’t value myself as a person then so didn’t think I was valuable as a mother, I see the power of it now and do my utmost to honour that priveledge.

    Comment by — March 18, 2007 @ 11:45 pm

  4. Yep. The most messed up people I know (and things may seem fine on the outside, after all I’m not living in a gutter) as I was saying, the most messed up people I know had crap mothers or abandoning mothers.

    Adoption sucks.

    And I hate it even more as I get older.

    Comment by Elizabeth — March 19, 2007 @ 5:22 am

  5. Great post Bijou.
    You nailed – yet again!!
    Fighting that depression takes a load of energy – take care of you.
    Poss. xx

    Comment by Possum — March 19, 2007 @ 5:54 am

  6. I don’t like adoption.

    but I like your blog.

    Comment by Theresa — March 19, 2007 @ 8:52 pm

  7. I am a mother and I am INCREDIBLY aware of the power I have over my children. It might sound weird, but caring for my children in every sense of the word has been healing for me. I want them to have everything I never did: No fear of rejection, support, unconditional love.

    P.S. I used to say that I would never adopt, because every adoptee I knew was effed up. There’s something about being rejected at birth that screwz ya up.

    Comment by Andie D. — March 19, 2007 @ 10:47 pm

  8. Bijou…as a social worker who has seen many families, I have come to believe that if you really want to know a lot about a family quickly, focus in on the mother. She is the key to how well the family functions or dysfunctions. I am not saying fathers don’t have an influence but nothing like moms. If mom is healthy, there is a good chance the kids will be too even if dad isn’t or is absent. So that mother-child bond is so very important; important that it be a healthy attachment. When it isn’t, all hell breaks loose it seems and what you experience is some of that. Wish we could be more supportive than we are. Hang in there.

    Comment by LeRoy Dissing — March 20, 2007 @ 4:46 am

  9. You are a great writer. This is my first visit to your blog, but so far from the posts I’ve read I can really understand where you are coming from. I think the emotional and physical pain I feel each time my search for my B family is enough to make me give up. Hence ,I have not gotten very far with my search. Being a mother now of 2 wonderful children, a daughtor 8 and a son 3, I feel the bond between us is very important. It is easy in everyday life to forget that, with all the silly petty arguments that occur, especially between a mother and daughtor. I only hope that the things she might resent me for later in life are not enough to make her feel disconnected from me.
    Thanks for the visit. I need all the support I can get.

    Comment by Heidi — March 20, 2007 @ 2:10 pm

  10. Forgot to mention, Lexapro helps, and alcohol, but I also don’t forget things when I drink and just think more about them.

    Comment by Heidi — March 20, 2007 @ 2:11 pm

  11. Bijou, Great post! You are under no obligation to respond to comments. Take care of you first. We’ll be around regardless if you comment. Hugs, Rebecca

    Comment by Rebecca — March 20, 2007 @ 5:30 pm

  12. Thanks for stopping by everyone.

    I think we can all agree that something so simple as a mother child bond is lost in today’s world. And as Kim and Suz stated, you did not know the power of this bond or themselves felt unworthy. It makes me so sad to hear, especially since women and girls in stressful pregancies are still being convinced that there is no bond (a baby will bond with anything) and that the child would be better off without its real mother.

    Rebecca, glad you had an enlightening and relaxing retreat experience.

    Heidi, I’m sure we can all offer you support in your search, emotionally and with search advice. I did not anticipate what a toll it would take on my life. But at some point it needs to be released, otherwise I will keep directing the anger and hurt in the wrong place. Your story is just crazy as well. Lexapro?? is that one of those things they dish out to forget. I hate the thought of adoptees being given this stuff (like somehow magnifies the idea that we should suck it up and forget) Wish it was that easy…

    LeRoy, I agree that the mother plays the key role in a family. I wish there was more clinical research to support this and more research into this bond.

    Andie, think you nailed it. Being abandoned at birth screwz ya up big time. Each subsequent rejection in life is amplified and exaggerated…

    Theresa, you are such an ingrate!!! therefore I like you and your blog.

    Hey Possum, hope you have also found some relaxing moments in your waiting.

    Comment by bijousodyssey — March 20, 2007 @ 9:02 pm

  13. Adoption lands right in my jaw. I have severe TMJ. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Listen to your body and take a BREAK if you need one! So there. :op

    I agree….DON’T MESS WITH MOTHER NATURE PEOPLE! Remember that commercial?

    Comment by miassavinggrace — March 20, 2007 @ 10:48 pm

  14. I feel the same way you do, Bijou. Nice to hear it coming from outside my head for a change.

    Comment by Julie — March 22, 2007 @ 5:10 pm

  15. I have long felt that we need to quit messing with mother nature. I guess that is the reason why I live on a ranch. You can’t mess with mother nature out here. You are too dependent on her for grass, grain, and water. I have way too much respect for her especially because I live on a ranch. I get to see what wicked total awesome beauty she brings into the world each day.

    I know that even adoption is messing with Mother Nature. When a person interferes with the natural flow of things, it does bite you big time in the buttocks. You are messing with a mother and child bond. You just can’t ignore that. As a mother I know that.

    Comment by Amy — March 26, 2007 @ 11:50 pm

  16. Oh Adoption is on my skin. I feel my skin cells tense and stand at alert, I know that sounds crazy, but adoption is enough to make you crazy.

    I don’t understand it all,Bijou, I don’t and I don’t want to understand it, I love my son soooo much, I hate to see him in pain, the only way I can relate to mothers who deny their children at all is to think that they must be too horrified and afraid, that on some level they know but they can’t bear to look at it.

    Which of course only compounds it for their children.

    Then there is a part of me that remembers my friend who always said, “If your house burns down by fire or arson, you still have to deal with a burned down house” Meaning of course that even the understanding doesn’t change the consequence that you have to live with.

    I am so sorry, and I know that the longing for mother and her love does not dissapate with age. I wish there was something I could do.

    Comment by joy21 — March 27, 2007 @ 5:51 am

  17. I meant by accident or arson. uggh.

    Comment by joy21 — March 27, 2007 @ 5:51 am

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