Friday evening I enjoyed a great dinner with a friend along with a great bottle of Shiraz. I tend to not imbibe- or at least I generally have a 2 drink max. because unfortunately I’m not a happy drunk. But the wine was quite fine, so I continued. It was on the train ride home that I emotionally (in my head) began to fall apart. I was overcome with this feeling of hopelessness, this what’s the point feeling? I never understood how one could drink to forget, unless of one consumes an entire bottle of something which leads to loss of consciousness. Personally, I have a couple drinks and am flooded with thoughts, the most poignant: how could you have abandoned me mom, I want my mom back, and the most recent addition how could you love my siblings and not me?
Are women aware of the power they have as mothers? Do they realize how important that bond is? If I look at the most screwed up friends of mine- (non-adoptees included)- the core of their problems lie in the fact that they were somehow ‘rejected’ by their mothers. (This does not excuse fathers either- absentee fathers also have screwed up many lives) As a adoptees we begin our lives with this wound, period. If we do not confront us, it will find us, or manifest itself in some form, depression, insecurities, the inability to bring anything to closure, fear of rejection, etc. The mother child bond is so simple, so natural, why do we try to screw it up? Why must we always think of factors which do not matter in the long run- image, age, money etc. to deny babies the basic right to be nurtured by their natural mothers?
I guess I’m just an existential thinker in the land of adoption– the one in which God chose me to be in (according to the U.S. adoption industry). Again the relationship between god and adoption makes no sense to me. Biblical References?? Oh yeah, the Jews were the God’s chosen people and uh as adoptees we are always told we are chosen, there’s the connection. Anyhow, why would God, or gods, or godesses, create a natural order only to choose to have us destroy it? Not so logical. If we justify destroying a simple natural bond, anything is possible. Hell, today everything is for sale: babies, organs. Next trip to China, get a baby and a kidney to boot- so what if it is from a dead political prisoner, just forget where it came from, use it as your own, save it from a life of living inside some political prisoner, you deserve it, God wants you to have it….
My last thought this evening: If we continue to mess with mother nature, she will kick all of our asses!
Somehow I have not had the energy to be a good little blogger this week and acknowledge comments. Honestly, I feel the energy has just been sucked out of me by the end of the day. Work consumes most of my time- I truly enjoy my work – its also has an emotionally numbing effect- in a good way. I’m trying to fight this consant depression related to my failed adoption reunion whilst balancing work and maintaining a healthy relationship. The emotional depression has started to manifest itself in true physical pain. In my case lower back pain. Sitting for longer periods of time is uncomfortable. I now know I need to find a time slot for yoga and sports, as I cannot put them off any longer. I’ve learned in yoga that this type of emotional stress is held in the lower back and hips, and amazingly I feel them becoming tighter and my back cramping up if I have no means to release the anger and depression.